You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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