Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
