Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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