On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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