this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
