Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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