somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
