If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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