just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
