you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
