Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
