A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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