Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize