Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
