just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
