I want to stick my p in your. b.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize