So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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