I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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