i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Enjoy the penises
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
