Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
