Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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