The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
so much tequila, so little girl.
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