Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
