At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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