I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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