I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
