When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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