Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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