It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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