oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
