Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
