you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
