I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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