Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
