She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
