i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
