can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
