I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
