There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
