Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
