I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
