Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
