The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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