I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
