she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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