i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
