I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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