Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
