why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We are two peas in an std pod
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
