So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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