If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
