i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize