Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
