Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
