Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
