I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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