Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
