My girlfriend figured out who you are.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize