New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
