Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
