the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
