his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
