Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
