Already got asked if we're dating
You're so nebulous sometimes
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
