i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize