I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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