she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
