Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
