All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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