yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
