May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
