When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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