I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
