Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
