today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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